Opening
Thoughts
As
a teacher I’m always searching for ways to make students
more tolerant of each other and more accepting of their
own lives. Family seems to be a subject close to everybody’s
heart. We all love our family. That’s why, I think,
bullying children by making fun of their families seems
to stir up so much emotion and to be particularly hurtful.
Who, if you work in a school, hasn’t heard a variant
of:
“Richard said my mother is fat!” Leslie,
barely audible, whispers in between heart wrenching sobs.
“Gaylord!” screams Darrell as he zooms around the corner looking
back at his follower Adrian.
“Cara’s a retard like her sister!” Lauren casually states
to Kari and Susanne as they file in after recess.
Yes. Leslie’s mom is obese, Adrian’s dad
is gay, Cara’s sister is a student in a wheelchair,
and Lauren is a new student at our school. I hear these
casual, emotionally loaded insults. I talk to the particular
students, have them apologize, and hope that they won’t
do this anymore in the future.
However,
in my heart I know that apologies and hopes for something
better are only band-aids and don’t address the root
of the problem. What are the roots of intolerance and hatred
of difference in our society? Anger is a normal human feeling. Do we have
to take it out on others? Do we have to express it by insulting
people’s families? Why do children do this? Why do
adults? Do we feel so insecure about our families and ourselves?
I wish I had answers. In an ideal world we could all accept
our differences. Perhaps our schools have an important role
to play in the process of gradually changing intolerance
of differences.
My
Philosophy
“We
don’t make fun of anybody’s learning”
is my only classroom rule. We do lots of cooperative learning
activities and always start the day with class meetings
where we sit in a circle of chairs on the carpet. These
circle meetings seemed to provide an ideal environment in
which to discuss families in more detail. I strongly believe
classrooms are never neutral. Children pick up feelings
from their teachers and other adults. So, if we were going
to discuss this issue of families, I knew I couldn’t
hide behind the teacher’s façade. I was forced
to struggle with my own beliefs and feelings. It is my strong
belief that knowing “thy neighbour as yourself”
helps tolerance, acceptance, and, hopefully, can also curb
bullying, and eventually racism. But I had to start by doing
some soul searching.
Personal Background
We
all come to teaching with a value system. For me it was
a white, middle class European value system that originated
in the homogeneous Switzerland of the 1950s. It was a system
where a family consisted of a breadwinning dad, a stay-at-home
mom, and children. I do vaguely remember adults around me
talking about divorce, single parenthood, gays and so on.
However, this was always done in a whisper. I just knew
something was not quite above board about these subjects.
This
belief system came with me to Canada in 1967. Here my belief
system started to crack. I entered a common law relationship
with a divorced man—facts that weren’t mentioned
any time we visited Switzerland! I wanted a child, but was
not prepared to have it out of wedlock, so we got married.
Now I was a stepmom to my husband’s two sons from
his first marriage. After nine months, our daughter was
born and we became a blended family, at least during the
summer when the boys came to spend time with us. During
the next eighteen years both of us worked. I also went to
school to study for a Bachelor of Music and eventually my
teaching degree. In retrospect, I realize that my life was
considerably different from my mom’s. She stayed at
home, used her seamstress skills to sew clothes for us and
occasionally for neighbours and friends. My dad was the
main breadwinner.
Despite the reality of more and more separated and divorced
families, I did not struggle much with my belief system
and the well-entrenched view that “the nuclear family
is best.” After twenty-three years, my marriage came
to an end. The struggle of finding a place in society became
painful. I wasn’t a family anymore. I became a divorced,
single parent without a child at home (our daughter left
for university at the same time). Those labels hurt. I was
still a caring human being, but I felt like I was in limbo
without a place in society.
Teaching
Background
While
I was struggling to redefine my role in the absence of my
nuclear family, one of my childhood dreams came true. I
became a teacher in a classroom. Despite the fact that my
experience with life in a nuclear family didn’t play
out in its ideal form, I still carried the subconscious
belief that the nuclear family is best for children. I presumed
I was going to teach children who were mostly from traditional
families perhaps mixed in with some children from “broken”
families. I believed that the latter ones were going to
be the ones with problems. Teaching in Vancouver I knew
I would encounter families from many different cultures.
Despite the fact that I was divorced, I still assumed that
most children would have a mom, dad, and siblings.
In my first year of teaching, I encountered students
from “broken” families. Again, I assumed that
“broken” meant from divorced, single, gay or
in any other way “odd” families. I assumed that
those students would have problems. These assumptions were
also taken for granted in the staff rooms. “Broken”
only had to be mentioned once and by magic other teachers
somehow knew what to expect. Never was this assumption questioned.
Yet, over the years I taught youngsters from “broken”
families who were excellent students and a joy to be with.
I also encountered students from traditional families who
had major problems. Why? Was it possible that family structure
had nothing to do with whether students had problems in
school or thrived in it? Was it possible that the presence
or absence of a caring, loving environment and not family
structure per se
was responsible for how students fared in school?
Gradually
over the years I met the adults who were responsible for
all of my students. I started seeing them as interested,
caring, humorous, and loving individuals rather than filing
them into categories based on their “legal”
family situations. I gradually became much more comfortable
with diverse family types.
A
Passion for Looking at Families
When it came to choosing a topic within the overall
theme of social justice for my Master’s of Education
research project, I was ready to look at family diversity
with my students. My earlier reluctance to tackle this topic
stemmed from the fact that it is not an easy subject, but
is rather one that invites a great deal of controversy.
Also, the research literature on teaching a unity on family
diversity in the classroom is extremely scarce. In fact,
I could not find one such project. However, much has been
researched and written about the family itself, and about
the ways in which its shape and composition have changed
over the last half century.
Questions
started popping up in my mind. What is a family in the 21st
century in the Western World? Does the nuclear family still
exist? What exactly is ‘broken’ about different
family configurations? Should a child who has a mom, dad,
and siblings at home feel out of place? Does a child from
a gay family have to be secretive about it? Should children
be stigmatized according to the adults they live with? Should
any child feel bad about their family situation? Do children
choose their families?
I
believe that my job as a teacher in the public school system
is to inform students; to make all students feel good about
themselves and the environment they grow up in; and to give
them the courage to speak up and stand up for themselves
and to question the status quo. By
doing this unit on family diversity, I wanted to find out
how young students feel and think about their family environment.
I wanted to facilitate discussions and exchanges of personal
experiences.
Judith
Stacey, a prominent cultural critic of changing family paradigms
in Western societies, states in her book, In the name
of the family that:
At the current moment in Western family history, no
single family pattern is statistically dominant, and our
domestic arrangements have become increasingly diverse….Once
the family modernization thesis predicted that all the societies
of the globe would converge toward a singular family system—the
modern Western family system. Ironically, instead we are
converging internationally toward the post-modern family
condition of diversity, flux, and instability. (1996: 45-46)
My
strong belief is that if we know the people we spend five
hours a day with in the classroom better, and if we are
learning from each other, family insults will be harder
to deliver when we do get angry. I also support the view
that teachers have a responsibility to struggle with their
own views on family diversity before they actually teach
and to discuss those changing paradigms with their students.
In my estimation, addressing family diversity in schools
could help prevent students from expressing negative, derogatory,
bullying attitudes and behaviours toward each other and
thus help to stabilize our communities.
Judith
Stacey examines the vulnerability and insecurity of family
life within our communities today and challenges the rhetoric
and politics of family values. She writes:
The uncertainty
principle that now governs our work lives—who will
have employment, for how long, and with what risks and rewards?—also
governs our most intimate relationships, severely disrupting
domestic tranquility and seeding nostalgia for those better
times which The Family has come to symbolize. (2)
She goes on:
The
challenge of post-modernity, as of democracy, is to learn
to live with instability and flux as responsibly, ethically
and humanely as possible. To do so we must cultivate individual
resilience, flexibility, courage, and tolerance while we
work collectively to provide the best forms of social and
cultural supports we can devise to cushion the inevitable
disruptions and disappointments, the hardships and heartaches,
that all families and humans must inevitably confront. (13)
My
objective for this study was to collect and analyze data
about family diversity. What do my students know about family
diversity? What do they feel and think about their own families?
What are my students’ attitudes, opinions, and views
about different family configurations? Could knowing about
family diversity possibly lead to increased tolerance of
classmates, and thereby improve the school environment and
our collective sense of community?
 |
If I, as a teacher of young people, am preparing them
to become good, critically minded citizens for the future,
I have to be able to struggle with my own beliefs, traditions,
and opinions. I don’t have the right, nor do I want
to pass moral judgements on any of my students’ families.
All families have a right to their own beliefs. I’ve
always believed in change from within. By examining my own
beliefs, I could be of more benefit to my students than
I could be if I had my head buried in the sand, in this
case ignoring family diversity. However, taking on this
issue calls for courage. Family diversity in our culture
is still a hot, emotional subject, highly political and
extremely controversial.
The initial approval for this study that I received
from the Vancouver School Board’s research committee
was a “cautionary approval.” Their concerns
revolved around two points. Firstly, that parents/guardians
would be made aware of the specific ways the concept of
“family” was going to be presented to students;
and secondly, that the voluntary nature of this study would
be made very clear to all participants.
A number of authors explored this controversy in more
detail in the book The family in America—Opposing
viewpoints (1992). In it, David Popenoe wrote that the
decline of the family is negatively affecting the quality
of life for children. He writes:
Virtually every
child desires two biological parents for life…child
rearing is most successful when it involves two parents…
traditional family may be flawed…millions of people
are comfortable with it and it seems to work…we should
reinvigorate the cultural ideals of “family,”
“parents,” and “children” within
the changed circumstance of our time. (23)
In the same book, Dennis K.
Orthner, offers a contrasting opinion when he asserts that
only the “family” is in transition, and that
the desire to care for children has not changed. He states:
What has changed
are the ways people choose to live with each other….There
still is a strong desire among the young to have families.
VALUES have not changed drastically but the NORMS of family
behaviour have undergone dramatic transformations. (29)
My
School, Class, and Students
My
school, the identifying descriptors of which have been obscured
to protect the confidentiality of my students and their
families, is a small neighbourhood school with a multicultural
mix of students. We are located, in amongst a mixture of
single-family homes, condominiums and apartment buildings,
on a block that also houses a community centre. The neighbourhood
has many heritage homes in it and the residents take pride
in the plantings they make in their little gardens, on the
street roundabouts and even by the sidewalks. Several small
parks are located within walking distance. Looking out of
our classroom windows we see grass, trees, flowers, and
a minimal amount of concrete.
Because
of the day- and after-school care facilities provided by
the Community Centre, a number of students are cross boundary.
The majority of our students come from employed or self-employed
working families in a variety of professions, businesses
and trades. The student population is reasonably stable.
When
I started exploring family research in my classroom, I was
delighted to realize diversity was blossoming under my nose.
We had a variety of blended families, mixed-race families,
families with heterosexual and with same-sex parents, single-parent
families, families consisting of a single guardian, and
one family with a special needs child. Our families were
working families, adoptive families, stay-at-home dad or
mom families, and families that were “extended”
in a variety of ways, including with the addition of pets.
I was amazed when I realized this. No doubt, my subconscious
paradigm of a family that consisted of mom, dad, and siblings
played a part in this surprise.
At
the time I did this research, I had twenty-six students
in my class, thirteen Grade 4’s and thirteen Grade
5’s. One-third of the students were girls, and two-thirds
were boys. One student was a special needs student in a
wheelchair who was unable to take part in either discussions
or written activities. Due to the imbalance of girls and
boys, I made no gender distinction in the research answers.
I felt that would call for a separate research project.
Some days not all students were present for an activity.
We
have several immigrant students from the Philippines, one
each from Brazil, Puerto Rico, Hong Kong, and China. In
our class were also students of mixed races who were born
here, one each of: Japanese/Canadian, Jewish/Korean, First
Nation/Canadian, Chinese/Malaysian, and Chinese/Filipino
background. The other students were born in Canada of immigrant
parent(s) from Denmark, Italy, the Philippines, Japan, and
England. Overall, the students were wonderful, enthusiastic,
very social, and warmly caring young people between the
ages of nine and eleven years.
Reflecting on my diverse class made me realize
that this was not going to be a theoretical teaching unit
but a hands-on experiential sharing of life unfolding. However,
I was still interested in finding out if the students were
or were not comfortable with family diversity and how knowledgeable
they really were about it.
Investigating
Family Diversity in the Classroom
I
decided to do eleven research activities over a period of
eight weeks, from February 11 to April 4, 2002. Initially,
with the knowledgeable and enthusiastic help and support
of my school librarian, I put together a basket of books
about “family diversity” for the students to
read and share informally with each other. The times chosen
for the more formal activities were random, depending on
my daily teaching schedule. I did feel strongly that it
would be important to leave some time between activities
so that the children would be able to digest the information
they received from the activities and to formulate questions
raised by them.
To
start the project, all twenty-six students drew a 22x28
cm picture of what “family” meant to them. I
loved watching the care they took in portraying their families.
Later, the students also wrote a paragraph on their view of
family. One young student even felt moved to write a poem
using animal metaphors to describe family:
A tree with branches of joy and happiness
An eagle with wings
of care and love
A gazelle with the
leap of courage
A snake with the
eyes of help
That’s what
I think family is.
At this point, the slight doubt I had entertained about capturing
the interest of students with this subject vanished. The
students were extremely open and keen to learn about other
families. Many in the class do have firsthand experience
with different family configurations through their own situations,
visiting a friend’s home, or talking to each other
in school, and they were eager to explore these.
For teaching purposes I used many different picture
books on a wide range of family structures. After
each reading we had extensive discussions and after some
of the readings students also filled out a questionnaire
and posed written questions of their own. The further into
the unit we got, the more at ease the students felt in sharing
their own situations and asking each other questions.
To review what we had learned through books, discussions,
and the sharing of personal experiences, I showed two excellent
videos. That’s a family! is a film for kids about family diversity by Debra Chasnoff. Sticks
and stones, by George Johnson (Producer), sensitively addresses stereotyping
of same sex families and helps to nurture respect for a
full range of family models. More discussions and questions
followed. I was particularly interested in finding out what
the students’ opinions were in response to the question,
“Do you think learning about family diversity might
be helpful to increase acceptance and tolerance amongst
students and perhaps decrease the chance of bullying?”
Only
five students felt it wouldn’t decrease bullying,
because, “most bullies would just not listen,”
“people don’t always bully due to family structure,”
or “the bullies might just take the discussions for
pleasure and continue with the bullying.” All other
students felt, in one way or another, that it might help.
Reasons they cited included, “…the bullies will
find out that everyone’s different,” and “…people
only bully others because they don’t understand them.”
As
the final activity for this unit, the students had to work
in their tribes (five groups) to compose a definition of
“family” that took into consideration all we had talked and
learned about for the last eight weeks. They briefly discussed
this with their group and then wrote their definitions.
All five groups came up with definitions which were all-inclusive
in terms of the kinds of family
structures that would fit them.
I found that many students in my classroom already knew
a great deal about family diversity. According to those
students, their parents or guardians had taken the time
to talk to them about different family structures. Slightly
more than one-third of my class (ten students) indicated
that they were not surprised at anything we discussed. Overall
however, I found that my class seemed much more at ease
with each other; more open and ready to bring up joys or
problems either individually or in our class meetings after
we finished the research study. They seemed more aware of
each other, were more astute with their observations, and
appeared to have become bigger risk takers in all their
learning. During our discussions (we always sat in a circle),
they started looking at and addressing each other much more.
Initially, they directed their comments to me only. Towards
the middle and certainly by the end of the unit we always
ran out of time because so many students wanted to share
their experiences. In general, the oral participation of
all students, even the more reluctant ones, increased in
all subjects. This was also noticed by other teachers. Students
appeared less concerned with making mistakes and offered
their opinions and views more freely.
 |
My
Recommendations
There
is no doubt in my mind that teaching about family diversity
is necessary, important, and extremely relevant. My Grade
4/5 students were not only interested in each others’
families, but also felt empowered as learners because they
were able to contribute their own family backgrounds to
the discussion with comments such as, “It felt good
[to share about my family] because if you see other kids
have the same situation and that person said it you will
have the courage to say it too,” or “It helped
me because I don’t get a chance to see my dad but
now I know I’m not the only one in the class that
doesn’t.”
The students were mostly familiar with the
lingo associated with different types of families, but were
far from competent in terms of understanding the meaning
of the language. “What exactly is a blended family?”,
“What’s the difference between half-siblings
and stepsiblings?”, “Why are lesbians also called
gay?” were common questions raised once the students
felt more comfortable asking them.
As
“Family Life Education” is part of our expected
B.C. curriculum, we have an open venue in which to teach
about family diversity. In doing so, the emphasis should
be on teaching for knowledge and for valuing all family
diversity. By talking about “broken” families
we devalue that family system. According to most of my students,
what you need to make a family is, “…a group
of people who look after children with care and love, and
provide for them.” I also maintain that every family
has the right to believe in and teach their own children
their own moral code. At the same time, the children do
have a right to know, understand, and ask questions about
their whole environment.
I
highly recommend that anyone who teaches family diversity
be clear about his or her own attitudes and intentions when
they do. As one of my students very astutely remarked after
I asked if they thought it would be helpful for other teachers
to teach this unit, “It depends who teaches it.”
This particular student felt that some adults say things
but don’t really mean them.
The success of such a unit might also depend on the demographics
of your school, the whole school environment and the larger
community in which it is situated. Is your school
population and wider community a homogeneous or heterogeneous
one? What is the general culture like, including family
configurations and beliefs? I am very lucky to be able to
teach in my diverse neighbourhood. Otherwise, I might have
wanted to consult with the community health/school nurse,
and a variety of community groups before embarking on such
a unit. Adaptation to your environment is absolutely necessary,
particularly when teaching a sensitive subject like family
diversity.
In
essence, you have to ask yourself, “What does it take
to provide an informative but also safe environment for
teachers, students, parents, and the whole community?”
Concluding
Thoughts
I
was simultaneously surprised at how much the students already
knew and had experienced in terms of family diversity, and
at how many questions they still had and continue to have
about it. Just because we know the words doesn’t guarantee
that we fully understand them. I keep asking myself if I
will still hear insults like the ones I cited at the beginning
of the paper. Now, the students definitely have more vocabulary
to work with, but will they remember what the words mean?
Even if they don’t remember themselves, will one of
their classmates remind them? There are definite delays
between the time we know something cognitively, and the
time our feelings and habits reflect what we know. Should
they choose to use family insults again, will they do it
with the understanding that to do so is wrong, and so, will
eventually stop doing it?
I
learned that, through discussion with their peers, students
can become much more relaxed, at ease, comfortable and accepting
of their own family situations. Without much prompting,
they became more and more interested in how their classmates
live, what they feel like, and what their opinions are.
The official research study might have ended, however, the
effects seem to linger on in our classroom. Just yesterday
one of my students asked, “Can you read aloud the
book on the gay uncle coming to visit? I like it. It’s
so funny.” Everyone agreed. We all had a good laugh
at the stereotyping that goes on when we don’t know
anything about people. Now, we all know better.
If we as teachers are to achieve a greater awareness
of each other in our classrooms, we need to start with our
own feelings about our own environment, our attitudes, and
knowledge. Once we do this, we’ll no doubt pass that
understanding on to our students. For now I am pleased that
I have been able to increase awareness of my students’
own families. One student wrote it very simply, “It
gave me a better understanding of my family’s importance
to me.”
Postscript
The
realization, even beyond my expectation, of the importance
of family to my intermediate students was heart warming.
It also confirmed for me that teaching something meaningful
and close to students’ hearts engages them easily.
They love to talk to one another and teach each other. I
listen and mediate when necessary.
Doing
research in my own classroom required enormous energy, concentration,
and focus. The constantly changing classroom situation from
day to day asks for extreme flexibility. However, the challenge
of exploring and honing research questions became stimulating
and left me with more energy than I thought possible. When
I realized the sincere interest of other educators in both
research as a pedagogical tool and in the importance of
family diversity to students as an avenue for inquiry, my
excitement grew even more.
Doing
this project has contributed to my effectiveness as a teacher.
It provided me with the structure I needed to examine what
I consider to be the most important element of teaching—creating
a classroom that is accepting of social, cognitive, and
personal differences. It also confirmed for me that teaching
Family Life as mandated by the B.C. Ministry of Education
is worthwhile. My students were highly engaged and together
we learned about the sensitivity needed to debate and discuss
issues that really matter. They were disappointed when I
finished the official research.
Family insults have not stopped. However,
now it doesn’t take long for the particular student(s)
to understand what was inappropriate about using these insults
and I feel their apologies are more sincere. I am convinced
that with each incident they gain the kind of strength they
will need to remain aware, watch for, and stand up for the
injustice that is inherent in word calling, sarcastic teasing
and bullying using family insults. They seem motivated to
create a more accepting and trusting environment for themselves,
their friends, their families, their classmates and, hopefully,
for all humanity.
Resources of picture books
Bailey,
Debbie (1999). Families. Willowdale,
Ontario: Firefly.
Bogart,
Jo Ellen (1990). Daniel’s dog. New York, N.Y.: Scholastics.
Brown,
Laurene Krasny, Dinosaurs divorce: A guide for changing
families. Boston: Joy Street.
Cole,
Joanna (1995). How I was adopted. New York, N.Y.: William Morrow.
Drescher,
Joan E. (1980). Your family—My family. New York, N.Y.: Walker.
Elwin,
Rosamund & Paulse, Michele (1990). Asha’s Mums. Toronto, Ontario: Women’s Press.
Friedman,
Ina R. (1984). How my parents learned to eat. Boston, Mass: Houghton Mifflin.
Gordon,
Sol (2000). All families are different. Amherst, N.Y.: Prometheus.
Greenberg,
Keith Elliott. (2002). Zack’s story. Minneapolis, MN: Lerner.
Heron,
Ann and Maran, Meredith (1991). How would you feel if
your Dad was gay? Boston, Mass.: Alyson.
Kalman,
Bobbie (1985). People in my family. New York, N.Y.: Crabtree.
Newman,
Leslea (1989). Heather has two Mommies. Boston, Mass.: Alyson.
Sinberg,
Janet (1978). Divorce is a grown up problem. New York, N.Y.: The Hearst Corporation.
Skutch,
Robert (1995). Who’s in a family? Berkley, California: Tricycle.
Stinson,
Kathy (1984). Mom and Dad don’t live together any
more. Toronto, Canada: Annick.
Valentine,
Johnny (1994). One Dad, two Dads, brown Dad, blue Dads. Boston, Mass.: Alyson.
Vigma,
Judith (1995). My two Uncles. Illinois,
U.S.A.: Albert Whitman & Company, Morton Grove.
Weller,
Frances Ward (1998). The Angel of Mill Street. New York, N.Y.: Philomel.
Willhoite,
Michael (1993). Uncle What-Is-It is coming to visit!! Boston, Mass.: Alyson.
Willhoite,
Michael (1996). Daddy’s wedding. Boston, Mass.: Alyson.
Reference
Bibliography
Aitken,
Stuart, C. (1998). Family fantasies and community space.
New Brunswick, N.J.: Rutgers University Press.
Bender,
David L. & Leone, Bruno (editors) (1992). The family
in America—Opposing viewpoints. San
Diego, California: Greenhaven.
Chasnoff,
Debra (producer/director). (2000). That’s a family!
Videotape by Women’s Educational Media:
San Francisco, California.
Documentary,
(1996). It’s Elementary. (Videotape). Women’s Educational Media: San
Francisco,
CA.
Gay,
Kathlyn (1988). Changing families—Meeting today’s
challenges. Hillside, N.J: Enslow.
Gordon,
Lenore. (1998, October). “What do we say when we hear
‘Faggot’?” Equality News. 8(1), 19-21.
Johnson,
George (Producer). (2001). Sticks and stones. (Videotape). NFB, Ottawa.
Post,
Jory. (1989). Living in a family. Network Publications: Santa Cruz, California.
Stacey,
Judith (1990). Brave new families—Stories of domestic
upheaval in late
twentieth century America. Basic
Books, Inc.: Oakland, California.
_________(1996).
In the name of the family—Rethinking family values
in the Postmodern age. Boston, Mass.: Beacon.
